The Deepest Lesson in Tantra I Have Ever Experienced
I was in a ten-day Tantra teacher training in California. I had volunteered to be the demo model for a tantra massage in front of 30+ teachers and students. I would be naked in the center of the room on a mattress with a beautiful Tantrika who would be showing the class how to give a Tantra massage, including lingam massage. I was nervous and excited.
I was one of the more experienced students in the course and had already given and received dozens of tantra massages. I didn’t think twice about how I might “respond” while receiving in front of a beautiful group of people eager to learn this ancient healing practice.
The Tantrika and I had an intake interview before the demo session and it was clear in our talk that I had been bottling up emotions for many months prior to this training. I was trying to get my tantra coaching business off the ground and I was being incredibly hard on myself. Just talking about it with her was healing.
A couple hours later I was receiving a passionate and sensual tantra massage in front of the entire class when my worst nightmare came true. I couldn’t get hard. I’ve never had issues in that department, and now with an audience expecting to learn masterful strokes of the erect lingam, I would fail them. I racked my brain for any fantasy that would turn me on but nothing worked. The Tantrika removed her bra and began sensually gliding her oiled breasts all over my body. I felt my fellow students energetically rooting me on to wake the sleeping giant. Nothing.
Then I remembered one of the most important lessons in Tantra: SUBTRACT THE GOAL AND ADD PRESENCE. What was I missing while I struggled to try to force my body to respond in a way it clearly didn’t want to? In that moment, I let it all go. I let go the idea that I needed to get hard. I closed my eyes to the world and surrendered.
Almost immediately I started crying. I barely ever cry. But when I have cried in the past, it was not like this. A stream of tears poured from my eyes. I was so present that I could experience these tears as not sadness, but RELIEF IN RELEASE. Forgiveness entered and I felt lighter. Giving forth the energy I had spent beating myself up all the time, being a perfectionist, and pushing myself past my limits. I smiled as the tears continued to cascade off my face.
My body spoke and I listened. I didn’t need to have a sexually arousing session even if I made up that that is what the audience wanted to see. This session was meant to be an emotional, not sexual, release. I needed love and I got it. This is what Tantra is about. In the end, the session had actually gone perfectly. The only thing that was off was the made up goal that I needed to get hard. Had I kept focusing on that, I would have never received the gift of self love, forgiveness, and the bliss I found in allowing my emotions to flow.